Laughables

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.- Mark Twain <><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

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I don't feel old.. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it- W. C. Fields

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.- Billy Crystal

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And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out